“How to Small Talk in the U.S.?” Summaries of WeIndependent Everyday English Event
Presenter: Ms. Paris Levinovitz (Nov 23, 2024)
Host: Nicole
Editor: Emmett
Ms. Paris Levinovitz, the guest speaker of WeIndependent, gave the presentation on the concept of small talk: an important and frequently-used American custom of light, casual conversation to build social bonds with people in your community. She went into where and how American people use small talk, how to navigate conversations as a dependent visa holder, and answered questions from the audience about their experiences and how to improve:
Ms. Levinovitz: Last night, I watched my daughter’s basketball game. Her friend’s dad sat next to me, and I knew we had to talk a little while while we watched the game, but it may be difficult to figure out what to say. We talked a little about the girls and if they were enjoying the team, and that they were feeling nervous. We also talked about our Thanksgiving plans, but it was a little awkward.
How to fill those silences, and what to talk about? This was a perfect small talk situation, and I needed to use some of my expert small talk skills to fill this forty-minute game.
So what is small talk?
It’s casual, light, and informal conversation, and short everyday interactions to build connections with each other.
You might be thinking: “But I HATE small talk!” Is this you? Don’t worry. Lots of people struggle with it, even if they are native speakers. If you love it, that’s great! If you hate it, that’s okay, too. You may start to love it when you see how helpful and important it is. Some people like it, and some people hate it.
Some people are good at it, and some aren’t; it isn’t just about language ability or culture. It’s okay to avoid it—I will teach you some polite ways to do that. No matter what, a smile will show that you aren’t rude, so if in doubt, just smile.
Why is small talk important?
These are challenges that dependent visa holders all say they want to overcome:
Being polite and less awkward: Are you feeling left out?
Building friendships: Are you lonely?
Building community: Do you want to contribute?
Learn about culture: Are you curious?
Get job opportunities: Do you want to make some money?
And of course, it helps you practice English.
What are some opportunities for small talk?
Polite interactions, like at restaurants, stores, services like a hair cut, or on the street, like asking for directions.
Meeting new people: at school pickup, kids playing in the park, or at the dog park, meeting new people in the workplace, fitness class, a hobby or bar.
And then, running into friends and acquaintances: in the neighborhood, a coincidental occasion, like you bump into a friend, a party or social situation, the gym or hobbies, and the workplace.
How to Small Talk
First, don’t be afraid. Americans are used to people from many cultures and with different levels of language skills. They are generally friendly, and love to give help and advice.
Start with the basics, and then expand your skills!
Pay attention to local differences, customs, and ways to talk. Listen for regional patterns. How do store clerks greet you? How do servers greet you or talk to you, and your neighbors? Then you can try to echo them back, and then try to use those phrases on your own.
Also, you have a small talk superpower. Because you are a foreigner, you are interesting, and have cultural knowledge and insights to offer. People will be interested in what you have to say! Americans like to learn about other cultures, so you can always just be yourself or teach us about your ways of doing things!
Also, if you make a mistake, Americans will be understanding about those differences.
Let’s Look at Some Examples of Situations!
Situation #1: With the cashier at the grocery store — You want to be polite! Small connections can also make you feel more connected to your community, or brighten someone else’s day.
This is the bare minimum:
If you don’t want to make small talk, just say “Hi! How are you doing today?” or “Hi, how’s it going?” and then when you leave, say “Thank you”.
If they greet you, you can just say “Fine, thank you!” or simply “Good”.
Those are the basics.
For some bonus points, here are some great suggestions that I found online. When they ask you “How are you today?” you could say:
“Good! I’m so glad it stopped raining”—rather than just saying “Good”, expand the answer!
“Great! This is my last stop, and then I’m headed home.”
“Good! I just went shopping and got some amazing deals.”
“Great! I just got off work.” or “Good! It’s Friday.”
It just makes it a little more friendly.
Situation #2: At your fitness class — This could be a good chance to make some new friends. A hobby or a class is a great way to meet new people, so take advantage of the situation to be brave and friendly.
This is the bare minimum:
Just smile or say “Hi!” as you come in. It makes you seem friendly.
You could introduce yourself to the teacher, for example: “Hi, I’m Paris! I’m really looking forward to class today.”
You could introduce yourself to your mat neighbor, or the person next to you in class. “Hi, I’m Paris! Have you done this class before?” or “Hi! I notice you come to this class a lot, too.” This is a great way to start a friendship.
For bonus points, expand on that!
Compliments are a secret weapon. You could say “That’s a pretty water bottle! Where did you get it?” or “I like your sweatshirt!”
It’s always good to ask for help or advice. For example, “I’ve been thinking about getting a new yoga mat. Do you like yours?”
Situation #3: Running into a neighbor — You’re heading into your apartment when you see your neighbor come out. What should you do? Or you’re walking to your house, and you see someone on the street.
If you don’t like small talk, the minimum is:
Just smile or wave and say “Hi!”.
You could say “How was your weekend?” or “How is your week going?” to start a small, polite conversation.
But if you want bonus points, you can expand and ask a specific question that will not be a yes-or-no answer—so avoid those simple questions where they can just say “Good” or “Fine”. For example:
Instead of “How was your weekend?”, ask “What was the highlight of your weekend?”
Instead of saying “What’s up?” you could ask “What’s something you’re looking forward to today?”
Situation #4: Your spouse’s work party
This might be the hardest one, because you have to keep the conversation going a little. So, at the minimum, if you don’t like to talk, you can:
Grab a snack, hold a drink, and, of course, smile. You can participate in the party without even talking.
You can stay by your spouse’s side and say “Nice to meet you!”
Food can make a great conversation starter. Use icebreakers at the snack table like: “What drink do you recommend?”, “Which snack did you bring?”, “Ooh, those cookies look good!”, or “Where did you get that appetizer? It looks delicious!”
These are easy ways to start a conversation. If you want some bonus points, let’s be brave! Ask open-ended questions that will keep the conversation going, and answer with detailed responses that will keep you engaged. For example:
“Have you seen any good TV shows lately?” This is an open-ended question.
Expand your answers! If someone asks you “Have you seen any good TV shows lately?”, don’t just say “Friends.” and then stop. You could say “Actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Friends lately to practice my English. Even though it’s an older show, it’s still really entertaining, and I’ve learned a lot of good expressions. Have you ever watched it? I think Phoebe is my favorite character. How about you?” — I know that seems long, but that’s the point! Now you’re having a nice, long conversation with someone.
Also, you can use your superpower! Remember, you’re interesting, because you have interesting experiences to share. So you could say “I’m still getting used to these kinds of social events. In China, we don’t really have cocktail parties like this. You’ll have to help recommend some foods. In China, at our office parties, we…” and then you can tell them about your experiences. Give them some fun cultural knowledge!
Don’t be afraid of awkward silence. It happens to everyone!
If possible, get in a group of three or four people, so that you don’t have to hold up the whole conversation.
Ending a Conversation
You’ve been having a great conversation, but you need to leave, or you feel like the conversation is coming to an end—so what are some polite ways to say your goodbyes?
You can use body language to show that you’re ready to go. Body language is universal, and if they see that you’re looking like you’re ready to leave, that will you help stop the conversation.
But also, there are some things at a party you can say to transition you to a new group. You can always excuse yourself to engage with other aspects of the party. For example: “I should go refill my drink.” or “I think I’ll check out the snack table.”
You can politely pass them off to another person at the party. For example: “Have you met my friend Haley?” Then, that person can start talking to Haley. Or, you could say “I think I’d better go check in with my husband.” or “I think I’d better go check in with the host.” Then you can start talking to someone else.
It’s always nice to add a little closer like “Well, it’s been great talking with you.” For example: “Ooh, I think I should go refill my drink, but it’s been great talking with you.” This is something you can use to end any conversation, whether at a party or with a friend: “Well, it’s been great talking with you!” or “I’ve got to run now. Let’s catch up again soon!”.
Now that you’ve got some basics, here are a few Dos and Don'ts for Small Talk.
DO:
Ask for and accept help. Typically, if people offer help, they mean it, and it’s okay to ask for favors. For example: “Would you mind opening the door for me?” or “Would you mind grabbing that for me?” Helping out or asking for help can be a great way to meet people!
Use softening words and phrases, like “maybe”, “it seems”, “possibly”, “might want to”, “a bit”, “a little”, “in my opinion”, and “would you mind”. These kinds of words and phrases just make your speech sound more polite and friendly.
What if someone is sad or has a hardship, or if they’re struggling with a large or small problem?
DO:
Express concern by saying sorry. “I’m sorry to hear that!” “Oh no, I’m so sorry.” or “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
Express care or concern with empathy. “I’m thinking of you.” “I feel for you.” “That must be really tough.” “How challenging for you!”
Express care or concern with support. “I’m here for you.” “Can I bring you anything?” If it’s just a small issue, like if someone’s uncomfortable, you can say “You look cold, would you like a jacket?”
There is one DON’T, though.
DON’T express concern through “should” statements. Avoid unwanted advice and suggestions. For example: “You should wear warmer clothes.” “You should take care of yourself.” “Don’t you want to do… (something something.)” or “X is bad for you…” This is a cultural thing; Americans don’t like to be told what to do.
Compliment Dos and Don’ts
DO compliment people’s outfits, their perfume, their haircut, their home decor, et cetera.
However DON’T comment on bodies, body shape, body type, weight, skin color, hair texture, hairiness, or age.
At least at first, it’s best to avoid some other topics in small talk. Topics to avoid:
Difficult topics. Some people love to talk about difficult topics, but some avoid it, so generally avoid controversial topics like politics, sex, and religion, unless you know someone well.
Don’t talk about anything related to pain and suffering.
Personal topics. Don’t discuss personal matters like marriage, family, and health, unless you know someone well.
Gross topics. Avoid talking about bodily functions, health issues, violence, unhygienic things, food production, et cetera, especially when eating! It’s just not polite.
Unrequested advice, money, salary and prices, people’s family situations (for example: “Are you going to have kids?” “Are you going to get married?” Generally, those are not good things to ask.)
Cultural and racial generalizations. It’s okay to talk about cultural differences, but just know that Americans have diverse cultural backgrounds and are sensitive to talking in generalities. You can soften this by saying “In general”.
For example, instead of saying “Americans don’t eat spicy food.”, you can say “I’ve noticed that, in general, Americans don’t eat spicy food.”
Some good news, though: there are very few rules, and Americans are generally very hard to offend. They will be understanding of some cultural difference. Americans are forgiving, so be brave and don’t worry. If you think you’ve offended someone, you can always just say “I’m sorry!”.
I hope this advice helps you feel more comfortable about small talk, and you will feel like you’re fitting in and making friends and avoiding awkward situations and getting new opportunities very soon. Thank you!
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